I’m learning the interplay between busyness and rest. It’s amazing how when I’m deep in the midst of learning I can see myself still enacting behaviors I know aren’t in my Highest Interest.
One day it’s easy for me to slip into ease, spaciousness, and rest. The next day I’m restlessly rummaging about my apartment and trolling the internet seeking engagement and activity.
I’m in a deep period of trust at the moment. I’m trusting the Universe to provide for me opportunities that are for my Highest and Best Good, even if those opportunities don’t appear as I think they should.
In my mind, I ought to be spending all this free time searching for a second job. I ought to have a second job (my monkey mind tells me). I ought to be employed at minimum four out of seven days of the week. My days off ought to be spent resting just enough to have energy to complete my chores and tasks at home, while the little energy that is left is reserved for heading back to work.
I convince myself that I should look into job opportunities, even though time and time again the Universe provides signs that indicate that my job now is enough. What I’m doing now is enough. And still I remain unconvinced… So, I ceaselessly scour the web for ideas of how to bring in extra cash flow.
This tug-o-war has reached critical mass, and I’m finally deciding to let go. Yes – there are plenty of ideas out there for ways in which I can generate extra income, but not one idea I’ve come up with has felt just. right. Except… one. Except one that I can’t seem to see as a viable option at this point, mainly because I’m uncertain of how it will work or how it will turn out. That one option being to turn my extra attention, energy, and focus onto developing my blog and website.
That is the small voice and nudge I continue to hear and feel within myself. On one level, I doubt that nudge because of my history with choosing that path. I chose that path when I started nursing school and it felt… rushed… tense… tight… pushy… and wayyyy too busy. I let it go so I could focus on nursing. Now that I’m here… it’s like… calling me back to play.
I’ve fist bumped it a few times, sent a little wink in it’s direction, maybe even blown a kiss or two… but I’ve never seriously considered re-aligning myself with a full-steam ahead mission to bring my site back to life.
Previously, before my site got wiped and before I closed my coaching biz, I was on some sort of roll. A decent one considering I was working on my coaching biz while in nursing school. I’m proud of the effort I made. I know I can get the ball rolling again, and I’m excited to give it a go.
My choice to focus, once again, on my site as a means for expression as well as a potential source of income excites me in all the right ways. It feels free, creative, expansive, spacious, exciting, titillating, and mind-altering! These feelings are quite contrary to those that arise when I search for a standard side-j.o.b. The side-j.o.b. seems more like a means to end. A get in and get out kinda deal, which I could do. But do I really wanna? … No.
What I want is to feel spacious, free, excited, liberated, expansive, open, nurtured, loved, kind, compassionate, enthralled, and available. I want to spend my days off from the hospital directed by my own leadership and under the supervision of my Highest Self, rather than the management of another company or corporation. I want to direct my going’s on’s. I want to direct who I connect with, in what way, for how long, and for what price. I want to create income streams for myself that flow through my own creation (my website) and reflect that love and caring I have not only for myself but for those who receive my work.
I know I can provide value for the world in a way that in turn provides value for me. I know I can do that. I know I can. And it’s all a matter of trust.
I need to stop chasing instant gratification of employment via another entity and drop into the flow of the Universe, the unknown field of emotional fulfillment and viable self-directed and self-created income. I know that when I place my faith in the Universe to provide the path and the opportunities my job is simply to remain available and take inspired action.
Today I commit to remain available, which is a big commitment considering this recent unending hunger for continued work and activity. Today I make that commitment. From this moment forward, I’m no longer actively looking for a side-j.o.b. Instead, I’ll be seduced by my creative works via my website and potential self-generated income. Today I make myself available for that possibility wholly.
Will you join me?