It’s been only a week since I posted last but what a week it has been for me personally and for the collective. I want to write freeform today to speak to the powerful and transformative times we all find ourselves in. I also want to be sensitive to what’s going on with the Black Lives Matter and anti-racism movement, as this week has been dedicated to uplifting black voices by all individuals on board with the revolution; a revolution I wholeheartedly support and participate in.

It’s important in a revolution such as this that we each take stock of who we are, where we have been, what we’re doing today, and where we want to go. I think the best thing I can do at this time is to share where I’m at and what I’m doing.

It’s a hard week to at once grieve the loss of an eight-year relationship, to give all I have to that unfolding and transition, and to come up for a bubble of air in the midst of a society in turmoil. It’s a hard week to feel the ache and pain of a great love dissolving before my eyes and to receive a message from family members who are themselves in the body of transformation, calling out for help and support. It’s a hard week to wake up empty of the companion and anchor of my heart of hearts and to witness a soul friend get pulled asunder as she braved the footage of George Floyd. It’s a hard week to sit in the confusion and dizziness of leaving one shore of safety with no other shore in sight amidst calls to action for a cause that’s centuries in the making. It’s a hard week. 

I feel the power of the current that is taking this country by storm. Yesterday morning I stood at the computer in my patient’s room at the hospital as the news footage of protesters in Fort Worth aired. A young black man with a black mask covering his mouth wept heartfelt tears as waves of emotions permeated his entire being. His whole body shuddered. His shoulders bounced with each feeling as tears streamed down his cheeks and his left hand went to wipe them away. He gave praise and gratitude as he felt soul level happiness and relief. My heart fell back into my soul and a shower of tingling sensation spread from the crown of my head to over my shoulders. Solidarity expanded across my chest. 

I feel the changes in my heart and in my gut as I take one achingly painful step forward at a time into a life of my own making and as I consider my role in the anti-racism revolution. On Sunday, day zero, I had no option but to get out and go. My own body wouldn’t let me do anything but move. I walked and cried and walked and cried and walked and cried. I hemorrhaged from my front body energy centers at an unprecedented rate. It occurred to me something had to be done. I showered my entire front body with light, which healed and soothed my throbbing heart and gut. And on Tuesday, I took the same walk except for this time I anchored inner peace and opened my heart to the truth of the truth of the truth. I gave acknowledgment to the black people that crossed my path, understanding deeply that my open heart was just as much for them as it was for me; “Your life matters. Your life matters to me. Black lives matter.” 

I may still stand in the midst of confusion and uncertainty, personal heartache and loss, but I know what it feels like to wake up to the Truth, and the great awakening that is occurring is not lost on me. I am grieving the loss of my relationship and I am holding the hearts of my black friends and patients in such tender love and care. I am sinking into the core of my being as a new woman is being born, and I am validating, acknowledging, and witnessing the great ache of the black masses. I am tending to my delicate heart and needs as I open to support my family and soul friends who are in need also. I am drawing lines and boundaries where before none have existed and encouraging others to do the same as we claim sovereignty and power. I am sensitive to the times at hand at a collective and a personal level and cognizant of our great transformative power. There has been no other time quite like this. 

I know no other way to be more supportive of the cause than to allow myself to deeply honor my own needs as I keep my heart open and receptive to the pulse of the revolution. I know no other way to show my love for myself and others than to think, speak, and act in accordance with my deepest truth. I know no other way to better undermine the system of anti-racism than to courageously bear witness to its reality. A day will come where more will be asked of me and I know I’ll be ready to stand up and fight. Today it’s all I have to keep my heart open just to see.

It’s been only a week since my last post. And what a week it has been.

Photo by Henry Be on Unsplash