We’ve come a long way. We’ve made tough decisions. We’ve had hard conversations. We’ve felt difficult feelings and acknowledged poor behaviors and unhealthy patterns of relating. We’ve excavated and dug and cleared and cleaned and released. We’ve done a lot of hard work. Hard work that led us to the hard truth of separation. A necessary step on our long journey together. And yet here we are, again, at the same long road ahead but with a renewed vision and, hopefully, renewed faith and trust, albeit uncertain of the outcome; placing complete faith and trust in the Universe and in our souls that the Highest Good will be done.
The day we packed up his car and said goodbye I didn’t trust the Universe. Despite the many years of journaling, “Universe, whatever the highest good is. I want that. If it means staying together, then yes. If it means separating, then okay.” But when soul laid out the plan and we enacted the final step, I was left with a pit of despair and a deep inability to release control to the Universe. How could we love each other so much and yet still – both of us – receive the call to separate? I was confronted with the one place where it matters most for me to have the Divine at the center of my life, and I couldn’t actually do it.
I saw it clearly though. I was baffled, to be honest. How could I so easily relinquish control and have faith and trust in the Divine Plan in so many other areas of my life but not here? Not here in the one place where I desired most to experience it. The one place where I *thought* I did trust.
There I was in a puddle of tears, torn apart at the heart, confused about whether to remain hopeful or to completely move on; and totally uncertain about how to let go and let God. I didn’t want to let go. I was afraid that in letting go I was somehow betraying my own desire to be with him. That I was somehow letting my desire go, too. I couldn’t yet reconcile the two. Let go to let God but let go also meant welcoming in the possibility that my desire could very well not come true. And that was a hard pill to swallow.
I knew that trusting in Great Spirit meant that the Highest Good could very well be that we’d never be partnered again. I wasn’t prepared to fully accept that fate, but I knew in my heart there had to be a way to stand in the middle, to honor my desire while remaining open to God’s Highest Plan. I knew there had to be a way forward but it took me many weeks to get there.
I had trusted my soul and Great Spirit up to this point. We both had. We had taken the very difficult actions of untangling our lives from the physical to the non-physical. We spent months going back and forth and doing deep inner work to ensure this decision came from the Highest Place, not some egoic whim.
We both knew and felt in our hearts this was the right move to make, even though it didn’t make complete sense to our minds. How does one reconcile hearing the call to separate with a deep, harmonious, and cherished love for one another? But we both knew there were some very real questions that needed to be answered that could not be resolved by staying together. It was this overt need for solitary personal inquiry and growth and evolution that we decided to honor as we allowed ourselves to be gently pulled apart (although I’m not sure we could articulate this at the time).
Yes, it’s scary because we both face the reality that time apart could very well be the end to us forever. But it could also be the fodder for a deeply nourished and bountiful future together. It’s not something either of us knows at this time with great certainty. We both have a desire and yet we are called to relinquish our desires to the Divine. We are called to allow the Universe to take center stage in each of our lives as we orient to the one relationship that matters most within each of us.
From this new place of orientation, it’s imperative that we have faith and that we trust that if a partnership together is of the highest good, then it will be so. In contrast, if this is not the case, then we will be called to acknowledge the loss and concede to the plan that the Universe and our Divine Organic Souls have in store.
Full faith must be had either way. Faith in our good. Faith and trust that our souls know what’s best. Trust that the Divine seeks to honor and uplift us by bringing us the experiences and people that are here for the best of reasons. It’s this truth that I choose to anchor into the core of my being by the actions I have chosen to take at this time.
I almost said, “It doesn’t make it any easier.” But that’s not true. It does make it easier. I reflect back a couple of months ago about how difficult it was to be in a place of lack. A lack of faith and a lack of trust. It was confusing. My mind scrambled between two poles, unable to solidly stand in the center. Do I cling to hope? Do I move on completely?
At first, all I could do was acknowledge the confusion. I did that by deciding to not decide. I didn’t need to know what to do. I didn’t need to choose one or the other. I embraced confusion. Confusion allowed me to gently sway between the two poles; tasting of each, honoring both, and yet remaining unattached. In time, the path made itself known. My complete faith and trust in the Universe and my active cooperation in the Divine Plan was restored.
I came to realize, deep within my own heart, that I had done all I could do. I had given all I could give. My will was no longer required to manipulate an outcome. I had done my part. It was at this momentous realization that I heard myself give a deep sigh and I felt my body release pent up tension. Sweet, sacred surrender.
As my body melted into a peaceful state, I handed over the reins to the Universe. “God, take this. I don’t want this burden anymore. You already know what I desire. If it’s for my Highest Good, then I trust it will be so.” At last… I laid it all down.
I know what I desire. I know what’s in my heart. And yet, my part is done. It’s not up to me anymore. In this Divine dance of co-creation, I let now my one True Partner lead the way.