A few months ago I set out with the intention to write and share regularly on social media. This was big for me because I hadn’t ever posted regularly. And when I did post it was hardly ever anything of substance. It was mostly more of a check in; like “hey, here’s what I’m doing.”
I felt called to do this for multiple reasons. Off the top, I knew I needed to cultivate a presence – build a platform – if I were going to eventually have an online business (which I did set out to do). And that felt like an innocent enough reason to get started. So I needed to build my sharing muscle.
My sharing muscle was weak. I hadn’t posted anything since last summer. I had pretty much never shared my vulnerable truth (aside from one fiery, brave post I made last August about women). My vulnerable truth being the me that’s me when all the masks are dropped.
The me that’s not religious but spiritual. The me that’s awakened to our multi-dimensional reality. The me that’s soft, sensual, and playful yet deep, strong, and fierce. The me that sees clearly the pain of the world and its people. The me that’s not afraid to go there (except when I’m called to “go there” in front everyone on social media, which pretty much includes my family, my work friends, and my soul friends.)
It didn’t click until after I started that this whole “sharing” thing was really one big ploy by my soul to get me to start courageously speaking my truth. My soul sneakily lured me in… Yea, Paula. You’re going to share to “build your business.” Yea.
I soon realized I was being called to share exactly who I am and how I feel in a way that reflects and honors my soul. Which doesn’t make very good marketing for a health coaching business. It did feel right though.
It felt right because I needed to claim who I am. I needed to set a new level for the depth of interaction that could happen between me and you. I needed to let you know exactly who I am in case you needed or wanted to meet me there. At least you’d know your options.
It can be challenging in relationships to show who you really are. For one, it’s scary because it’s vulnerable. It’s a lot easier to play pretend, wear a mask, and just fit in. You don’t have to deal with difficult feelings that way.
It’s also challenging because many people learn to see you in a certain way. And if, for example, I bring a new Paula to the mix, then it means you’ve got to change how you see me. Some people don’t change (or don’t want to change). Then they’ll choose to see me as the Paula they liked most from the past.
It can be easier to see me as who I used to be than the new me. Because if you actually saw me for who I am today, then you’d have to reconcile the difference, i.e. deal with your feelings. And you’d have to decide if you still like and/or love me. Which you might not like or love me anymore.
If I change, it changes our relationship. There are necessary feelings that arise in response to change. For example, grief.
We are ever-evolving creatures. Whether we choose to or not, we will grow and evolve. Either you do it by choice and participation or the Universe makes you. We didn’t come here to sit on our asses. We came with purpose and divine lessons to learn.
And one of my recent lessons has been about sharing who I am – truly. It’s scary because I don’t know if you’re going to like me anymore.
What if the true me is “too deep”? What if you think I’m fickle because one minute I feel immense grief over the state of our world and the next minute I feel ecstatic joy at the laughter of a child? What if you decide I’m too serious? What if you can’t get beyond our differences?
These are fears. And these are risks. These are the risks I take to be true to who I am. I run the risk of losing friends or family. I run the risk of losing your love. Which, to me, really isn’t love if it depends on me being someone within the limits of your ideas of me.
These are tests of the heart; opportunities for love to blossom.
My writing and sharing pretty much came to a screeching halt in the last weeks as I dove deep into inner transformation. Fears creeped in again. The mind played tricks with thoughts like, “If you’re going to share its got to be this and not this.” Soon I felt trapped between the truth of my experience and the stipulations of my mind.
But today I’ve re-centered. I realized I lost sight of the true purpose of my sharing. I’m here to tell you my story. Sometimes it’s a story of the external world (you know, Mother Nature gettin’ paved over). And sometimes it’s about all the fears, grief, or muck that comes with being an evolving human being.
So I want to re-open the gate for authentic sharing. And I want to give myself permission to let you know where I’ve been lately. But that’ll be in another post. So you’ll just have to wait.