The balance point keeps shifting. Just when I’m beginning to feel an equilibrium, a steady-state, a mode of being I can live with for a while, it all begins to sway really far left and then really far right. I scramble about to make sense of the energies.
I see myself on the deck of a ship, running from side to side. I’m in some cosmic sea with what appears to be falling stars raining down, knocking me, the boat, and the waters about in a turbulent manner. I feel scared. I’m clenching my teeth as I breathe heavily in my fury to make sense of what’s going on.
They stream through in blobs, whisps, drops, beams; slick, thin, smooth, edgy, spikey. At first, it’s like, “WTF.” I’ve been doing pretty well so far. But this is different. I’m not sure whether to feel soothed, disoriented, erratic, excited, angry, on fire, confused or all of the above at the same time. My awareness of the turn of events comes to life, and I begin – again – to sort through the mix of energy to determine the way forward, to find calmer seas.
Today, as I steer this ship, I feel defeated. What has felt like war between myself and these raining stars now feels like an unrelenting beat down. Each new maneuver raises a false flag of hope. Peace and smooth seas found for but a mere second. A flash of some distant horizon. A mirage for this land thirsty sailor.
In the sea of this cosmic storm, I find myself grumpily learning of sacred surrender again and again. Can’t I throw a fit first? All I want to do is stomp my feet on the ground and pout about it. I just don’t wanna. Yea, I know, not the sleekest, the most poised, or the most peaceful version of myself but a very real aspect nonetheless.
She’s frustrated and tired and angry and lonely. She wants to know peace and calm and happiness and joy and love. And the work at hand has only just begun it seems. How am I to continue forward when there is just so much?
The key here lies in a deceptively simple place. It’ll be there when I’m ready for it. Until then, I’ll thrash about in my internal landscape as a boat lost on the cosmic sea in a torrential downpour of shooting stars.