It’s a new day and another week and the revolution continues. But I’m not going to get into a conversation about the current ongoing events in America, despite my prior conviction that I would. In fact, I’m deliberately removing myself from the conversation for the next month. It’s my own inner rebellion set to assist an even greater outer revolution. And here’s why…
It’s been an extremely fucking confusing several days. Yes, confusion and I have been great friends over the last week, but this time around it was different. Self-doubt snuck in right behind it, pushing buttons all the way, which made me dance like a manic doll controlled by a psychotic puppeteer. I could feel anxiety crawling in my skin as I struggled to grapple with the source of my confusion and my uncharacteristic reactions parading as conscious responses.
I returned to work at the end of last week rather reluctantly at first. I wasn’t sure how I’d cope in the setting of dealing with the stress of patient care on top of grieving. But it was fine. Or so it seemed.
I took to the work easily without much complaint. My days were easy. And not just easy – light. I felt remarkably blessed. I had time during my shifts to think about my life and to give attention to the ongoing issues occurring in the states. It was relieving and exciting and stimulating.
I glommed on to the good vibes I felt enacting certain anti-racism actions which fueled an even greater desire to do more now. All the while I gave subtle nods to my soul, “Yea, babe, I got you.” But did I really? Did I really have her? She didn’t seem to think so. It didn’t take her long to come in with not just one or two but three blows to the ego.
I witnessed the first blow. It came as the first self-doubt/confusion spiral, which turned into ridiculous unconscious reactions. But it didn’t change anything. Onward I went, posting and parading on social media my efforts to spread the knowledge of racism.
Then the second blow came with an even bigger whopping than before. She included my soul support group as the major catalyst, which dug at me like a cat clawing to the center of a pile of cardboard. How on earth was I feeling confusion following my soul support call?
Usually, after spending two hours in the soul realm with divine sisters-in-love, I’m lit up from the inside and a synchronicity attractor factor. Instead, I felt confused to the core. How could I go through that entire call and feel so much confusion?
Like the first time, the confusion spiraled into an ice cream swirl with self-doubt except nowhere near as sweet. I jumped anxiously about my kitchen, clanging pots and pans as I cooked and fussed to my soul friends about it. The fussing didn’t get me anywhere. In fact, I’m certain it only took me two steps backward. Counterproductive, at best.
Fortunately, it did occur to me that something was up. This wasn’t the first time this week; it was the second. I began to notice that it followed my engagement with or around the current anti-racism movement. My soul was speaking to me. I just couldn’t figure out what she was saying.
I didn’t know whether she wanted me to trust myself more and go all-in on my current actions, or what. “I can trust myself”, I thought. “I can do that. C’mon, Paula. You can do it. Just trust yourself. It’s all okay. I trust myself.” Self-talk for the win? Eh, not so much.
I didn’t feel much better, and my self-talk didn’t stop but rather only encouraged me to continue forward with what I had been doing – staying engaged in the anti-racism conversation on social media. In fact, I continued to make posts, luring my family and friends into the conversation using divisive language and subtle, yet very present, forms of scare/shame tactics. I didn’t have a fucking clue what I was doing. Not until I got a truth bomb dropped at my feet.
I quickly, although rather confusingly (naturally, right?), learned of one woman’s perspective about the difference between anti-racism work and treating the racist. As a psychotherapist, she strictly sees herself as a medical professional who treats the racist, and she completely disidentifies from activists and anti-racism workers.
The primary distinguishing factor being that anti-racism and activism work isn’t trauma-informed. They inadvertently activate and engage PTSD responses present in white folk from initial assaults enacted in childhood by parents or caregivers that led to racist behavior, which she sees as a form of narcissism. She states it’s her ethical and moral duty to treat the racist behavior, a niche form of narcissism, with sensitivity and compassion. Her trauma-informed approach helps white people recover without instigating any more trauma.
Take that in. She compassionately serves white folks as they heal. She doesn’t beat them over the head for being racist. She’s doesn’t shame them or guilt them. She doesn’t create conflict or scare them into performative activism. She works at the heart of real change.
I had succumbed to enacting anti-racism work without considering the heart of the problem. I made posts using divisive and triggering language. I encouraged people to read and watch material because “we have to, we must, it’s our duty.” Shame and guilt. Scare tactics.
I used them. I used them because I didn’t know better. I didn’t know better because I got swept up in the excitement of it all. Something I had told myself at the outset of this revolution that I’d be on my guard about. And yet, there I was, lost in the tsunami.
That doesn’t mean all that I shared was bad or ill-intended. Not at all. It is good information. Truly. I just now see how it lacked integrity, compassion, and soul.
As I took in her words, I began to feel my stomach churn and confusion creep in – again. How on earth was I to do any activism or anti-racism work if I didn’t even understand my own motives and come from in this process? And even though I can articulate this woman’s perspective to you clearly now, in the moments after taking in her message, I couldn’t fully grasp it. All I had was my confusion and self-doubt.
I wasn’t getting anywhere fast. And, in fact, if I was going anywhere, it was inside and not outside. Each confrontation with my soul left me stunned. My answer to the multiple rendezvous’ with confusion and the tango with her truth bomb was to stop. A full, soul stop.
I’d return to center only to set out and try again. But each return felt heavier and heavier, as though sinking back and into myself were the only real way through. I didn’t trust it. It scared me.
How could stop when there is so much to do? How could I pull back when I feel so much passion, excitement, enthusiasm, and engagement? How could I not?
How could I not stop when it’s clear that with each action an equal or greater rebound action occurred? How could I not stop when no matter what I did I felt the pang of confusion? How could I not stop when soul was speaking to me so loudly? How could I not hear her call?
Her call reached through time and space to draw me in. Her call hurdled at me like pebbles knocking on a window from a lover on the ground below. Her call sent the message loud and clear: burrow.
Paula, it’s time to go within. When you endlessly look outside yourself to all of your teachers and guides, to all of your friends and family, to all of the people you don’t even know, you respond and react in ways not in accordance with your highest good. It’s not time to be in action. The energy of the space is quick and sneaky and seductively compelling. It’s wildly manipulative and tantalizing as it twists its tentacles into your energy system. It’s getting the best of you. And the best of you needs to be given over in sacred surrender to an epic soul snuggle deep inside yourself. Disconnect from the media and friends and family as much as you can in the next month. It’s time to go within. It’s time to burrow.
I won’t get into all the details now but, my soul, she’s been setting me up for this for the last several months. After my month-long TV fast, I came to the poignant realization that a lot of the free time I gained got consumed by social media, which is just as mind-numbing and programming as TV, if not more insidiously so. It occurred to me then that it would probably be a good idea to quit social media for a month as well but I didn’t put a plan in place.
On top of that, I’d been receiving a vision of deactivating my Facebook for a period of time after my break up was final. Something about it seemed important for claiming my space. I honestly hadn’t thought about it much in the week after he left because I secretly enjoyed getting to see his posts on Facebook, and I felt good seeing him watch my IG stories. And, well, my break up? It’s the most important part of this entire soul calling.
The anti-racism movement has been a nice distraction from what is otherwise a tender transition in my life. It was easy last week when the heartache was insanely intense. I could easily presence my grief and consciously choose when to connect with national events. But when work started, that all changed. My focus began to slip and the emotional reprieve felt nice. “Finally,” I thought, “I’ve made a shift. I can now commit to my anti-racism work!” Ha! No way. Soul has other plans.
When I step back from the intense, all-encompassing energy of the ongoing revolution I can see myself clearly. There’s a permeating sadness as the quiet solitude of inner transformation requests my presence. I can’t say for sure what the transformation will look like or what the result will be. All I know is that my uncoupling has opened a doorway into which soul is calling me forward and through. I don’t know what is on the other side.
She needs me to see that the path in front of me is mine and mine alone to walk without the added distraction of world events at this time. As much as my ego would like to be out there in the thick of it, I need to be in here, in the thick of it. My inner work is outer work. It just doesn’t look like it. My opportunity to do this work is – now. There will be no other time like this for me, and I need to heed the call of my soul (major chills just went down my spine writing that).
What does this look like? I’ll be off of social media for the next month starting this week (my accounts have already been deactivated for a few days by the time this blog is posted). I’ll return the Monday following my next soul support group, which is the first Sunday in July.
My intention is to fully self-source over the next month as I navigate the energies of this time as well as my own death and re-birth as I come through the portal of my uncoupling. It is also my intention to mine the tremendous amounts of gold being offered to me by soul, for which I am infinitely grateful.
I’ll continue to write here as planned. Each Friday you can find a new post. I’ll write a follow-up post in July to ensure I bring this month of self-sourcing full circle through my writing. You won’t be left hanging!
All in love and soul. May you be blessed with deep soul work as well. Cheers!