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My relationship with the Divine Feminine continues to surface. I can feel the call to meditate on the Divine Feminine energy, to cultivate and integrate Her presence, and to express Her presence in all that I do.

At times I am in complete awe of Her beauty. I sit back and relax into Her warm embrace, engulfed in Her sweet smell, and beaming with joy absorbed from Her presence. The Divine Feminine is vibrant, glowing, warm, and all-encompassing. She uplifts me while allowing me to spread out in every direction. My vulnerability is embraced and made safe as I unwind, expand, and open to the Universe.

These moments are juicy, raw, and real. These moments are beautiful, touching, memorable, and exciting. These moments make my heart weep with tears of joy and elation as I think about the collective and Her full manifestation.

And then there are moments in which my heart weeps with tears of sadness and frustration. In the last two years, I have experienced waves of deep understanding and insight into the collective’s experience of the feminine. I have touched our wounds. And our wounds have touched me.

I can recall one experience in particular… It was a Saturday night in the middle of summer. My man and I decided to get dressed and grab a drink at a local bar/restaurant. We were short on ideas. This was the best we could come up with for our Saturday night shenanigans.

We walk into the restaurant and straight to the bar at the back, past the dance floor and the DJ. We order a couple of beers and start to chat while casually eyeballing the venue. It was a normal night, just like any other night.

Halfway through our beers, I’m struck by this undeniable repulsion, anger, and grief. My eyes bounce from one young girl to the next, tagging along behind their guy’s.

I feel so overwhelmed with grief that I tell Evan I want to go sit down. We find a table in the room next door.

At this point in my life, I wasn’t great at communicating what was going on with me, partly because I had no clue. I just knew that emotionally I no longer felt well. Unfortunately, Evan starts to think it’s about him. My lack of clarity around my emotions and his masculine presence tempts me to blame him for how I felt.

I dwelled on these seemingly random feelings while we finished our beers. Then we decided to leave. By the time I get home I’m truly hurting. I feel pain in my chest and sadness in my belly. I throw off my clothes, put on my pajamas, and crawl into bed. I begin to weep.

I grab a tissue and bawl into the palm of my hands. Evan comes to my side, completely clueless at what’s occurring but tenderly offering a shoulder to cry on. I weep and weep and weep. My body heaves  in undulations as emotions pour through me. I feel sadness purge from every pore. I ache. I feel heavy. I sink into my body as my mascara runs down my face and snot flows from my nose. The pain of the Divine Feminine shatters my heart into a million pieces.

That night I cried for myself, my mother, my sister, my grandmothers, and my friends. I cried for the girls at the bar. I cried for the women persecuted as witches and burned at the stake. I cried for women oppressed in foreign countries today. I cried for each woman spoken down to in the workforce. I cried for our sexuality and it’s continued assault over the ages.

I cried until I could not cry anymore and even then I think I could have cried a little more. My body shook with grief for my sisters worldwide. No time in my life have I ever cried like this before. No time have I cried and wept for every woman ever called a whore. No time have I cried like this before.

And still, I grieve until this day despite my conscious knowing. A piece of me grieves for my sisters when I hear stories of inappropriate and perverted female sexuality. I grieve at the thought of man’s attempt to continue to degrade, belittle, manipulate, control, diminish, undermine, and abuse my sisters and the Divine Feminine on the whole.

I don’t always know that grieving is still occurring until I’m triggered again by a thought or phrase. Like last night… when my man shared an experience of a young girl dressing like a woman. Inappropriate dressing for a girl of her age, but how is she to know when no one has taught her that being a woman is more than sexuality, although sexuality is deeply feminine and human. But being a woman and appropriately expressing sexuality in an honorable and sacred manner is not what we’ve been taught. What we’ve been taught is a hyper-sexualized sexuality in which women are objects to be dressed and abused, in which her intrinsic value has no meaning and her appearance is all that matters. For this – I grieve.

I grieve for the shallow pits my sisters fall into, including myself, and the hoops we jump through to be valued by the masculine. To fit into a society that values women as objects and nothing more. This is for what I grieve. And I will continue to grieve and honor my feelings, knowing in my heart of hearts that this time is for healing.

No matter the pain that emerges, that which surfaces is here for purging. And I will play my part in the purging of hate, so the Divine Feminine can fully integrate and make an appearance, not one of objectification and oppression, but one of strength, love, empowerment, and grace. We are here as vessels for this beautiful energy. And as She takes her place on this world stage, I know I’m not the only one who will face centuries of emotions rising to the surface to be acknowledged and healed for Her highest expression. Now is time for Her emergence, and I’m honored to grieve clean a new field of transcendence.

What we need most more than ever, my sisters, is to be valued by each other. To acknowledge the pain within one another. And to open our hearts especially when it’s dark. We must learn to communicate who we are as the empowered embodiment of the Divine Feminine. We are no longer victims of the Divine Masculine. As we come into power, the shadow of the Divine Masculine will be balanced by the beauty of the feminine. We have experienced centuries of pain and oppression at the hand of an unconscious Divine Masculine but we are at a turning point. And I’m happy to be alive and part of it.

I’ll continue my meditation and dance with Divine Feminine, in Her beauty and in Her grief.