It’s hard for me to show up to the page today. I’ve got so much going on internally that I’d rather sit with myself than express here. But I know the therapeutic power and nature of writing. It’s good for the heart and soul.
What’s occurring within me is a deep unfolding. It’s a following of my inner path; the heart and soul path. It’s more than simply walking along, lazily, to and fro. It’s a walk done in earnest with keen sight and hearing. It’s a deep listening with all six senses. It’s a near-constant attunement to the subtle shifts and vibrations.
I notice the flickering shimmer of the twinkle in your eye. I feel the fine filaments of my heart bob and weave and tangle and untangle with yours in an integrated soul tango. My body senses the push and pull, sink and lift, and contraction and expansion of our in-depth conversation. I hear the angels speak and the bird’s tweet and the grass hum from below.
My breath opens me up and expands my chest as my consciousness sinks into my belly. The air exists my lungs in one long deep sigh as my cells shimmy and shake. My feet on the ground receive mama earth’s rhythmic pulses. I can sense, see, feel, hear, taste, and smell you, Gaia. And you, too, human, made of stardust and the descendent of a great star nation.
As I take it all in, my entire body, from the physical to the mental to the emotional to the soul level, hears and receives all of this information. What I’m able to consciously attune to gets felt and experienced on deeper and deeper levels. I get to respond in broader and deeper and wider and shallower and taller and skinner ways. Whichever way feels most appropriate and matches the rhythm and beating of my own precious heart.
I take dictation from my soul who presses further and deeper into the cells of my skin, bones, muscles, and organs. She animates this flesh and brings it to life. She conducts my nervous system and directs my footsteps. She holds my heart and kisses my cheeks and caresses my tender head. She whispers sweetly into my ear and pulls at my heartstrings.
My bodies are alive. Deeply alive and responsive to the world around me. I am in constant communication with the forces of life as one great unified field. The field communicates with me and I with it. I – an individuated being. Learning more and more how to be more fully me each and every single day. Incarnated fully into this human form as my divine self. My soul self. My starseed self, descendent from the heavens above, entering onto this earth plane through the portal known as womb.
I am a multi-sensory being thanks to this human form, my spacesuit, which gives me the luxury of this human lived experience as directed by my divine organic soul within. Conscious attunement to and waking up to the reality of such depth and richness of experience is what we’re doing here.
Here I am inside the depth of this experience knowing my path is constantly unfolding and shapeshifting and weaving and swerving and all of the crazy things. This path of heart and soul takes guts. Literal guts. It takes courage. Courage to take form, shape, and full embodiment because soul speaks through me and it ain’t always easy hearing (feeling) what she’s got to say. And today it takes the willingness to speak up when something isn’t quite aligned and my mind can’t quite make sense of it.
But my heart vibrates in a funky way that speaks volumes if I’m listening. It doesn’t mean what’s before me isn’t for me, but rather, at this point, I feel cautious, squinty-eyed, and questionable.
I know what full resonance feels like. I know when my heart sings with complete freedom, ease, and a resounding yes. It hasn’t done that yet and for good reason. I have every right to hold back, to take my time, to pause, to ask, to doubt, to hold both realities, to feel into it all, including a no. I am allowed. I am allowing. I am witnessing. I am seeing. Fully. Completely. With all of me.
My heart’s hesitation doesn’t mean anything to me right now in terms of long-term commitments or firm decisions. But I see you body. I feel you heart. Thanks for talking. Thanks for telling me what’s up.
What I believe it does mean is that my heart requires more time and space. A longer pause to take in what’s occurring. A gentle honoring of her seemingly slow and uncertain rhythm. She keeps a beat. The pulse she speaks rides in waves. And this one, baby, has got her creepin’.
She’ll come on back around, taking that wave to a peak, and bringing the rhythm to a full swing and an embodied response – at some point and in some way. I just don’t know when.
I don’t know how it will look or what it will feel like. I’m not certain what actions will need to be taken or how it will unfold. But I trust that when the time is right I will know these things.
It’s the flutter in my tummy or the tingle in my toes or the flick across my forehead that will tell me so. It’s the urge in my pelvis or the commotion in my thighs or the impulse in my tongue that will inspire me. It’s my body talking. This one physical body which manifests my highest bodies and transmits my life force info as a physical form. And leading the way – my heart – at the center of it all.